Birthday Bash: A Tale Of SasuNaru
by Mcgde
Summary: What happens when in a bar on a certain raven's birthday? I don't think you'd believe me if I told you. SasuNaru.


**A/N: Really just something to keep me occupied when bored. So don't expect anything wonderful.**

**And just to clarify, they are all 21 or older in this. Let's just pretend it's summer, and that Naruto is staying with his parents while he's not at school.**

**(Chapter Warnings: Swearing, drinking, slightly crackish dialog)**

* * *

_I call shotgun, you can play your R 'n' B tunes_

_The fellowship time, it always comes a little too soon_

_The land of the creeps freshened up and baby faced shaved_

_Put your eyes on me and I know a place where we can get away_

_**Kings of Leon – I Want You**_

* * *

It's hard to describe the feeling of getting fingered.

Wow, okay.

That certainly started on a totally not awkward note.

But really, it is. I swear, if we didn't have words to make sentences like,

'_And then the hot and throbbing member was inserted into my slick hole', _

It'd basically go like,

'_And then the broom handle like object was shoved into my ass and it felt like I was shitting backwards'._

…

Um. I'm not making this any less awkward, am I?

Let me start over. My name is Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki.

And at the moment, I'm losing my butt virginity. And just to clarify, I'm not the best at making conversation.

But, yeah. This is the story of the time I should have just ignored my friends, and stayed inside to eat ramen. Which, you know, is usually the case.

But, it seems my common sense was switched to _off _at that particular moment.

* * *

"Naruto!" Is it just me, or does that voice sound just a bit too masculine to be coming from a girl with pink hair? "Get your ass out of bed!" I could vaguely hear my door being smashed open, wondering in the back of my mind, how my mom could let the rosy terror run around like this and cause destruction, when I got yelled at for simply eating away from the table.

From where I was curled up into a cocoon of covers, things seemed muffled, but I was sure I could hear someone rifling through my closet and throwing things around. Humph. Those are _my _things.

I pulled my covers away from my head, not really sure now why I did something so stupid, and found myself on the ground almost immediately.

And you see, the fact that I fell out of the bed wasn't the reason I was in pain. The reason I was in pain was the claws attached to my ear and trying to tear it off.

And that claw mentioned was attached to a long arm with ugly pinkish skin.

Which just so happened to be attached to the body of a creature so horrendous, so ugly, and so hideously disgusting, that I cannot even bear having to describe it.

So instead, I will give you a name.

But beware. For with this name, come nightmares and terrors descended straight from hell itself.

The name: _Sakura._

See! Didn't you shudder?

"Sakura!" I'd like to say I barked the word in a most manly fashion, but that would be a lie. It probably came out as a whiny sound that made dogs ears hurt, but what can I say? I embrace the unusual femininity I carry for a person that identifies as male. "Let go!"

Seeing as twisting around was out of the question, I settled for simply scrabbling at the hand that dragged me into the bathroom, and after finally letting go of my now bright red and very sore ear, started to try and tear my clothes off me.

Now, I can tell you, I'm down for most any kinky shit you throw at me, but that is only as long as it involves another male. Yeah, so what? I'm strictly into dick, and I'm not afraid to shout it from the rooftops.

But, that kinky shit did not involve harpy-esque women tearing my clothes from my body. So, my next actions are completely justifiable, if you were to ask me.

"RAAAAAPE!" I didn't know my voice could go that high. "MOOOOOM!"

I was about to scream again, when she finally succeeded in ripping my boxers off, and shoved me into the shower, turning the water on to the hottest setting, and simply _watching_ as I made a high pitched noise of surprise when it immediately drenched me.

Bitch.

* * *

Now, I should tell you. This isn't how I normally wake up.

Usually, it happens slowly, without any crazy pink haired demons stripping me and forcing me to shower.

In fact, I don't even know what the hell _that _was about. I'm just sitting on my bed now, wrapped in a fluffy towel, and basically being bored. The pink haired terror decided to go rummage through my closet some more (after she was sure I wouldn't come rampaging out of the shower like the terrifying beast I am), and has yet to return from the abyss.

I stared at my pinkish toes for a moment, quickly becoming fascinated by the way they were wrinkled from my time in the shower. Does anyone even really know why that happens?

I was knocked out of my thoughts moments later, quite literally. Jeans aren't fucking easy on the face, I can tell you that.

"What the fuck?" Sakura didn't say anything, just stared at me with her arms crossed. Her stance clearly said 'Get dressed or your ass is dead', but I could play that game too.

I firmly planted the pants on the bed, taking up the same arms crossed position as her. We had a silent staring match for a good few minutes, and I could tell my stubbornness was starting to irritate her.

"Naruto," It sounded like she was trying to speak in a placating voice, but the effect was kind of ruined by the way she was gritting her teeth so hard. "We can stay here all day, but you _will _get dressed."

I just continued to look back at her, keeping my eyes carefully blank, and my mouth closed and jaw set. The longer I was silent, the more frustrated I could tell she was getting. Her jaw was clenched tighter than mine, and her bright green eyes were narrowed to annoyed slits.

"_Naruto," _It seemed she'd completely abandoned the attempt at being nice, and was now just intent on trying not to hit me. Hah. I'd like to see her try and catch me. "We're going to be late, and you know how Sasuke gets."

I blinked, not really knowing what she was talking about. "What do you mean? What are we going to be late for?"

She completely deflated at that, her shoulders slumping and he eyes closing in defeat. She ran a hand over her face, muttering something I couldn't make out under her breath. "I can't believe you don't even know what I've been trying to get you ready for."

I puffed up indignantly. "So what if I don't know? It's not as if you tried to explain why you were fucking _stripping me_!"

She looked back at me, her eyes burning with new annoyance. "We've been planning this for months, Naruto! _Months!_" She was starting to come towards me again, and I am only a little ashamed to admit I scrambled back as fast as possible, abandoning the towel in the process. Not like she hadn't seen me naked before.

She stopped, rubbing her forehead. "You know what? Fine. If you want to miss his birthday, whatever!" She turned to leave.

"Wait!" I grabbed her wrist and she raised an eyebrow in question. "It's his birthday?"

"…It's a good thing you're cute, Naruto."

* * *

Okay. I was feeling a bit uncomfortable now.

I mean, yes I knew I looked totally sexy in the jeans Sakura had dressed me in, the tightness only accentuated by the tight black shirt she had also stuffed me into. With my hair left to it's naturally spikiness, and my cheeks dusted a light pink from the stares I was getting I knew I looked good.

But I in just the course of the last 30 minutes since we had arrived at 'Akatsuki', I had been groped an innumerable amount of times, though I was positive it had passed the 20 mark.

"Damn bastard," I muttered under my breath, basically sulking behind Sakura as she socialized with other people. "Why'd he have to choose a raunchy club to celebrate his birthday? Apples to Apples is just as good as shots…"

I looked around, not really caring for anything I saw, and turned back to tug at Sakura's sleeve. "Oi, can we go home now? I don't even see the teme anywhere."

She patted my head in a dismissive manner, making me growl under my breath. "No one will be here 'til ten, I just wanted to get here early. Go get a drink or something." With that, she turned back to her conversation with a very pale man with dark hair and a creepy doll smile. Ugh. I would never understand Sakura's taste in guys.

I eventually did wonder away, after getting tired of hearing the pink haired fiend's fake jingle of a laugh droning on and on. I didn't really have a set destination in mind, but simply found myself wondering through the crowd of sweaty and sticky dancing people.

* * *

Finally making it to the bar felt like emerging from a pool after staying under water too long, and I greedily gulped in a few deep breaths of air before making my way towards the bartender.

A wiry man with pale skin and silver hair greeted me, throwing a grin full of sharp teeth and glinting eyes. "What'll ya' have, blondie?"

I scowled at the nickname, but opted to ignore it. "Just a beer."

"Comin' right up, whiskers."

I did growl this time, but the man was already gone. Seriously, was everyone intent on making my night more horrible than it already was?

I took a seat, saying a quiet thank you when the drink was slid smoothly into my hand. I chugged a good half of it before I came back for air, and I noted that I hadn't even really tasted anything. Oh well.

I sat there for a while, now sipping at my drink, and simply watched the people on the dance floor. When I had said this was a raunchy club, I hadn't been exaggerating. There were men and women alike out there, practically plastered to their dance partner with their asses grinding lewdly against the other's crotch.

The club was a-typical, with strobe lights flashing, music with an overwhelming bass making the entire room shake, and the usual creeps lurking outside the main floor, just watching for the opportune moment to 'intercept their prey'.

I lost my interest in the slutty dancing quickly, turning back to the bar and signaling for another drink as I finished mine off. I was still fuming over the fact that Sakura had said we were going to be late, just to get here early.

I was startled out of my thoughts when I felt a sudden pressure on my thigh, and looked down to see a large hand had placed it there. I didn't flinch, but simply looked up to see the owner of the hand was an older man with bandages wrapped around his head so it covered one eye, and a sleazy grin on his face.

I just raised an eyebrow, but his smile only seemed to get bigger. "Can I help you?"

"I don't know, can you?" The man's voice was croaky, rasping in an unpleasant way that made my skins break out in goose bumps. I tried to shy away, but his hand just slid further up my thigh and gripped tighter.

But just as I was starting to contemplate slapping the sleaze ball, the hand was removed, and the man yanked away from me.

"Danzo," the voice of my savior was a low growl, but that didn't seem to deter the man, 'Danzo' was his name.

"Ah yes, hello Nagato. How are you? How is Yahiko? Doing well I hope," Danzo's words were accompanied by a sharp grin, revealing crooked yellowing teeth.

Nagato didn't seem to take the bait. "I thought you were informed that you are no longer welcome here; especially after that incident with Tsunade last month." Danzo's mouth twisted into a scowl, eyes squinting at the red headed man holding him by his collar.

"Come now, Nagato. The boy and I were simply having a good time, weren't we?" He motioned his head to me, and I had grimaced. If the creep would describe groping me a good time for us both, then I was afraid he might have broken out of a mental hospital before coming here. Thankfully, Nagato seemed unimpressed.

"I think it's time for you to take your leave," with that, he started to drag a now cursing and objecting Danzo away from the bar and towards the exit.

I sighed, happy that the man was finally gone, but nearly snorted my beer as I went to take a sip and felt another hand on my back, veering dangerously close to my ass. "Hey asshole, I thought I told yo-"

I was cut off when I looked up, expecting to find only one eye looking back at me, and was met with two dark almost black ones. I would have said something in greeting, probably asking why the Duckbutt was groping me too, if in the next moment his hand hadn't left my back and moved to slap me upside the head, causing my forehead to bash onto the bar counter.

"Oi! Teme, what was that for?" I rubbed a hand to my now sore forehead as I asked, but his only reply was an eye roll and grunt. I gritted my teeth, but refrained from tackling the bastard, considering it was his birthday and all. "Well I hope you're satisfied, asshole. I'm going to have a bruise for a week!"

He didn't respond, just sat down in the chair beside me and signaled the bartender. Unlike with me, the man didn't tease or chatter to the Uchiha, instead just sitting a drink down in front of him without even asking what he wanted.

I snorted under my breath. _Typical of him to be a regular at a sleazy place like this. Wonder if he owns it too._ The raven lifted the drink to his lips and downed half of it in one large gulp. _Huh, that's… interesting. Never took the Teme for a heavy drinker._

"Hey bastard, might want to slow down, yeah? Don't you want to _remember _your birthday?" He didn't say anything in reply, only glanced at me from the corner of his eye, then turned back to his drink. After he had proceeded to down two more and not even seem fazed, I became suspicious.

"Oi, Teme. What's got your panties in a twist?" This earned me a glare, which my inner self fist pumped triumphantly do. "You're vacuuming those things down like they're apple juice, and I'm pretty sure I saw that bartender pour a good amount of vodka in there."

Saying this, at least, seemed to get the Uchiha's full attention. He turned his seat so that his body was angled entirely towards me, but continued to stay silent and simply stared at me.

I was surprised, when he reached up to cup my jaw, but also surprised by how pleasant it felt to have his warm palms against my cheek. I repressed the urge to close my eyes, even as his thumb started to rub back and forth along my skin.

But as quickly as it had happened, it ended.

The Uchiha abruptly removed his hand, stood briskly, and turned tale and fled into the crowded dance floor, immediately being swallowed up by the sweaty bodies gyrating together.

I blinked.

* * *

**A/N: Bow chicka revieeewwwwww**


End file.
